Thursday, December 01, 2011
25 Signs You Spend Too Much Time on the Internet
1. Whenever you find a penny or dollar bill, you hear that “Congratulations! You’ve won!” voice inside your head.
2. The prospect of any phone conversation provokes an unreasonable level of anxiety.
3. You just steal sh*t when you’re bored.
4. You know where your high school best friend’s former roommate’s gorgeous ex-girlfriend goes for the summers (Nantucket. Her cousin Becky is kind of terrible though, you can tell).
5. You find the concept of paying for pornography endearing.
6. You’ve had multiple conversations with friends speculating about the sexuality of someone you haven’t seen since you were six.
7. You’ve forgotten that watching TV on the TV used to be, like, a thing.
8. You have a legit panic attack when you can’t reconnect to your WiFi network.
9. You’ve seen all of “Felicity” despite never enjoying a single episode.
10. You hate Jeff Dunham way more than he even deserves.
11. Going to the movies counts as having a “break from technology”.
12. The phrase “follow me” does not even remotely invoke thoughts of physical movement.
13. You send emotionally complex, romantically tinged messages by “Like”-ing sh-- on Facebook.
14. You know far less about the Mayor of your city than you do about the Mayor of your local Panera Bread on FourSquare.
15. You think a beautiful sunset lighting up the New York skyline on a November evening just looks like a crappy desktop background.
16. You treat people who say they don’t have Facebook as if they have a horrible illness that you have to do your best to appear optimistic about.
17. You haven’t been on a date in months, but you do have a really messy, emotional “friends with benefits” situation going on in SecondLife.
18. The words “LiveJournal” or “Xanga” bring up far more nostalgia than any old home movie could.
19. Your reading responses for classes often just say: “TLDNR”.
20. You’ve gotten past the tenth page of comments on the YouTube video of that little British girl rapping with Nicki Minaj on Ellen.
21. You can name more celebrities with leaked nude photos than American presidents.
22. The last family argument you had was over Gchat.
23. You haven’t read a whole book in a year, but you have read the entire Wikipedia pages for “Sleep”, “Jon Voight”, and “Yo momma (maternal insult)” today.
24. Your day is completely made when you get a “what up my brother!!” tweet back from @mark_mcgrath from Sugar Ray.
25. You know what (insert 90s rapper/or one-hit wonder/Da Brat) is up to these days.