Snow Days

I’ve worked in morning radio for a long time. I’ve seen turntables give way to computers and mobile broadcasting vans replaced by cell phones. But one thing has never changed. When it snows, little kids, teens and parents are going to call me to find out if school is canceled. I understand it. I did it when I was in school.

Year after year I get the same calls, nearly verbatim. My favorite is Six-Inch Lady. I don’t know her name, but her calls always come when we’ve had barely a light dusting of snow.

“Is school canceled?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Why not?”
“I guess the road conditions are okay.”
“What???? I’ve got six inches of ice on my street!”

I’ve always suspected that Six-Inch Lady’s husband was exaggerating a certain, ah, measurement at home.

About ten times each snow day, I get this gem:

“Is they skoo today?”

And that’s a parent. What I want to say is, “Leave the kid at home. You go to class. Starting with English.”

Another caller on the Snow Day Hit Parade is The Repeater. I get a lot of those from parents and kids, one group praying for school, the other praying for cancellation.

“Is skoo closed?”
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes.”
“Skoo is closed?”
“Yes.”
“You’re sure?”
“(sigh) Yes.”
“Skoo. Is. Closed?”
“(expletive)”

Finally, I can always expect The Excuse. See, we give the school closings at least every ten minutes. If listeners miss them, they don’t have long to wait. Still, when they call, a certain percentage of listeners feel the need to explain why. Every one of these calls goes something like this:

“Um, sorry to bother you but...I dropped my radio in the bathtub/my radio only picks up the competition/ my neighbors meth lab just blew up and I don’t have power.

By the way, the only excuse I believe is the meth lab.

But you know how I get through days like today?

I remind myself that Spring Training starts next week.

Oh yeah. I also go home and drink.