Happy Friggin' Holidays

I am so sick of hearing about the so-called "War on Christmas".

I wished someone Happy Holidays yesterday. This woman replied with a self-righteous sniff, "That's 'Merry Christmas' "

"I've always said 'Happy Holidays'," I said. "Notice the plural? Holidays. That's more than one holiday. In this case, two holidays -- Christmas and the New Year, one week apart. Holidays. You see?"

She once again sniffed the sniff of the morally superior and began whispering to her companion, probably pointing out that I was one of them, the defilers of Merry Christmas.

It isn't true. I'm married to the biggest Christmas nut in the free world. Our tree goes up before Thanksgiving. It stays up past January First. Christmas music starts playing on the first day of November, and not the light stuff either. We're old school. Sinatra. Der Bingle. Rosemary Clooney. Even a little -- gasp -- Perry Como. So don't go insulting my Christmas credentials, ma'am.

You know what I think part of this reactionary "War on Christmas" stuff really is? It's a chance for a few self-centered idiots with empty, meaningless lives to feel as if they're joining a mighty cause, to let themselves get puffed up with outrage, to feel for one brief, shining moment that they are going to Change the World. It's an entertaining diversion from Dr. Phil and Bingo.

Because it's easy. It doesn't cost anything. And they can score some solid street cred with the other busybodies in the Sewing Circle. When someone wishes you a happy holiday, you just stamp your sensible shoe and say, "That's Merry Christmas! Hmmph."

Way to throw down, homegirl.

Hey, you want to impress me? Then go work a shift down at the community kitchen feeding the homeless. Spend an hour a week as a Big Brother or Big Sister. Let me see you picking up trash along the highway or volunteering at the local hospice. Call your local school's Family Resource Center and ask them how many kids don't have coats for winter. Not just nice coats, but any coats, then go out and collect them.

You know, sniffing in a high-handed manner and admonishing me to only recognize one holiday at a time will not make you a better person. No, that requires actual effort in service to a real cause. I won’t hold my breath.

So keep sniffing and stamping your foot. Meanwhile I'll be out there putting the X back in Xmas.