Odds and Ends

I just got Horror Fiction Review #12, and was surprised to see I was mentioned three times, twice for “Life’s Work”and once for “Deadnecks” from Dark Discoveries #6. And it was all favorable. :^)

HFR, as I’ve said before, is a nice little ‘zine. It reminds me a lot of the fanzines I read in the 80s,particulary the classic pulp ‘zine, Echoes. Nice work by Nick Cato and crew.

***

I finished Stephen King's The Cell on Saturday. It was quite a read. I hear a lot of people say about any new King, "It's not as good as The Stand/Salem's Lot/The Shining." And they're usually right. But those novels, classics all, seem to grow in stature the more distant we are from actually reading them. So The Cell is a good book, but not a classic like The Stand/Salem's Lot/The Shining. If you have hesitated to buy it, don't. If you like King, you'll race through The Cell. There is no one in horror or popular fiction who creates characters who are as relatable as King's.

It was interesting to find situations in The Cell that bore some resemblance to a book Dave Wilbanks and I wrote last year. Hey, can we sue him, claiming he used telepathy to steal our ideas?

***

I'm sick, with a fever and the mind warping sensations that go along with it. This shall pass, but posting may be sporadic (or increase in frequency; you never can tell where the fever might take you).

Like Madonna With An NBA Team...

I Always Suspected It

Got Yang?

Monkey Business

My Cold Dish

On this week’s Smallville, Clark Kent’s dad, played with all the depth of a cigar store Indian by former Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider, took what I hope is a one-way trip to TV heaven.

And I danced the dance of the insanely happy.

This is the completely honest and true story of why I hate John Schneider.

My wife worked for a TV station for about ten years. Part of her job was to travel with a crew to Los Angeles twice a year and work an interview room where CBS would send the stars of their new series and TV movies, so they could be interviewed for local stations in markets all over the country.

Her crew would host reporters from several stations who would get ten or fifteen minutes with the star in her room. So she would spend several hours with each star. Most of them turned out to be nice people. Only one ever brought an entourage (*cough* Whoopi *cough*).

In 1990 comedian Paul Rodriguez was starring in a new show for CBS called Grand Slam. Guess who his co-star was? Oh, you’re way ahead of me.

So after hours of listening to talking heads from a dozen stations ask the same questions (“So, do you miss riding around in the General Lee?”), the day was over.

Rodriguez and Schneider thanked the crew who had worked with them all day, then Schneider, the bad actor and failed singer, grabbed my wife, said, “I just have to do this,” and stuck his tongue in her mouth.

That’s right. My wife was tongue-kissed by Bo Fucking Duke.

The experience left her a little stunned and shocked (at least that’s what she told me, though I can’t imagine having anybody unexpectedly giving you a tonsil bath would be enjoyable. Unless, you know, it was Ashley Judd).

My wife enjoys telling this story over and over and over. Almost as much as she enjoys the one where the 17-year-old cashier at the grocery store who had just carded my wife asked me (who, by the way, is younger) for my Senior Discount Card. Oh, she loves that one.

Anyway, my revenge has been a long time a-comin’. I kept hoping Schneider would show up here, taking a cross country drive or something, when his car gets a flat right in front of my house. When I go out to help, Bo-Bo would say, “Hey, can you give me a hand?”

“Sure, Bo-Bo. I’ll jack up the car. You just lay down there next to it. Heh. Heh.”

Never happened.

But at least his character died on Smallville. He’s off the show.

Have nice life, Ass Face. Enjoy your new job at the Arby’s Drive-Thru.

And with your copious free time, why don't you drop by to see us sometime?

Heh. Heh.

Everybody's Listening to Pod of Horror

Comic Book I Just Bought On Ebay

Schwi-i-i-i-ing!

Them's Fightin' Words!

There’s an article in The Boston Globe called “The Pornification of America”, which observes that the sensibilities of porn are creeping into mainstream culture. You can read it here.

Mostly, the writer seems concerned that Lindsay Lohan is appearing scantily-clad on too many magazine covers, thus reducing all of womanhood into sex objects. One could pause and say, “This is new?”, but instead we shall quote what is to me the most interesting statement in the article:

“Even cooking shows on the Food Network -- the Food Network! -- contain distinct parallels with the cinematography, dialogue, and body language of pornography, according to an article wryly headlined ''Debbie Does Salad" in the October issue of Harper's magazine.”

Food Network? Home of southern fried Paula Dean and my next wife Rachael Ray? It can’t be so. But then the current Mrs. Justice points out to me that they’re probably talking about the Italian cooking show hosted by the large-headed Giada De Laurentiis.


The show, my first wife says, focuses on her cleavage and her long fingers, backed by what sounds like a porn soundtrack.

I don’t know if I believe this. My Food Network? My refuge, the last bastion of civility in a cold, cruel world? Food Network -- where life is free from imaginary Weapons of Mass Destruction, illegal presidential wiretapping and thousands of hurricane victims left homeless by a uncaring government – is a den of sleaze, catering to the baser nature in all of us?

I don’t believe it. I won’t believe –

Wait. I'm watching Food Network now.

I just saw camel toe on Rachael Ray.


Never mind. Sigh.

All Work Will Cease

...while I read the new Stephen King book. I know King-bashing is all the rage on message boards these days. His supposed crime seems to be NOT writing the same book over and over.

But a new King novel is still a call for celebration in my house, so excuse me if I don't answer your email for a couple of days.

Where Wolf?

Mike Oliveri has created a site to promote his new comic series Werewolves: Call of the Wild. The art on this one looks amazing, and I can't wait to read Mike's story. Check out the site, then hie ye to a comics store in April to pick it up.

Wh-wh-wh-wh-what????

The Things That Shaped Me Into The Man I Am: 1

Part One:

1968. The Debut of Batgirl. I get funny feeling that I don't understand. Holy Booty Call, Batman!

Currently Reading

I'm trying to clear the boards so I can jump on the new Stephen King book on Tuesday. Still, I can't control when nostalgia will strike. I'm re-reading one of my favorite comics from the 80s, Timothy Truman's Scout and Scout: War Shaman.


I'm also working my way through this new horror anthology for Hellnotes. It's an interesting mix so far.

Books To Look Forward To

February 7, 2006

July '06

The Write Stuff

This one’s writing related, so if that idea bores you, check back later in the week. I’ll try to be entertaining then.

I’m plugging away on The Firecracker Man, mostly figuring out how all the disparate character threads are going to come togther. That’s the problem with writing something patchwork over a couple of years. My goal is to finish this by spring.

I have grandiose ambitions. This is the year of The Novels for me. I plan on finishing three of them. Not all are from scratch. TFM is three quarters finished. One more is a third done. And Dave Wilbanks and I are starting on the novel-length follow up to the novella we’re currently shopping around, so I’ll be working on that at the same time as TFM.

I know that’s a lofty goal, especially for someone who works a lot of hours at his day job, but I need the deadlines to motivate me. Check back in ‘07 to find out how it worked out.

I can’t give you the title of the collaborative novel yet, since we haven’t announced the novella’s name (at least I haven’t; I don’t know about Dave). I can give you the initials, though. DE:TVR. Let the guessing begin. Hey, Wilbanks, can we give a prize to the person who guesses correctly?

Pod of Horror #8

Here’s what awaits you on the eighth entertaining episode of feardom’s favorite time waster:

* Genre favorite Danny Trejo discusses his career and his latest movie ALL SOULS DAY.

* Weston Ocshe talks about horror’s most innovative fiction site, Muy Mal.

* The January Horror World update from Nanci Kalanta.

* Advice Demon Grim Rictus blushes!

* Fearsome Freebies! The limited edition of THE BACKWOODS by Edward Lee. SUCCULENT PREY by Wrath James White, the extreme uncut DVD of ALL SOULS DAY.
And, as always, a $50 Shocklines gift certificate.

All this and a few laughs on Pod of Horror #8, available now at I-Tunes or listen on your computer at http://www.horrorreader.com/horror_reader/pod_of_horror/index.html

Hot L Baltimore

I just reserved a room for my brother and me for Horrorfind Weekend 2006. Whoo-hoo!

I had a great time last year, even though the book component was very disappointing. I'm going on blind faith, in hopes that our cries have been heard and the book presence will be stronger this time around.

And Laurie Alk has promised to supply me with White Russians, my Kryptonite. :^)

Shall We Catch Up?

My apologies for a light blogging week. I didn’t mean to alarm anyone (hi, Angie!).

I’m still smarting over the Bengal’s loss to the Steelers Sunday.

But apparently I should get over it, because it was fixed. Just a couple of hours ago a woman told me all NFL games are fixed. She knows this because her gambling-addicted ex-boyfriend told her.

Well, that settles it then.

***

We’ve got a new Pod of Horror Going live on Monday. I’ll post a link to it then. One of the features will be an interview with Danny Trejo, an actor whose name you probably don’t recognize, but whose face you will. He’s been in a zillion movies and TV shows, including Desperate Housewives a couple of months ago. Take a look:

***

Did anyone else see Lost on Wednesday?

The scene with Mr. Eko facing down the black smoke monster has to qualify as the biggest WTF? moment of the 2005-2006 TV season.

***

I have no free time, yet I’m planning on checking out the new season of 24, starting Sunday.

Last year I jumped off the 24 train pretty early in the season. In fact, the exact moment was when Jack had to delay the terrorist at the gas station for a few minutes so Chloe could redeploy the satellites or some such thing. When faced with that decision, I think we all know what we’d do: slit the guy’s tire. Not Jack . He had to put on a ski mask, grab a gun, hold everyone in the gas station hostage and cause a stand off with the police.This was such an obvious placeholder for the producers and writers.

“Holy shit, we’re out of ideas.”

“Why don’t we just put Jack in that gas station for a couple of episodes until we can
come up with something?"

This morning on the radio show my wife said, “You read comic books every week. You’re a horror and science fiction nut. For God’s sake, you write fiction about redneck zombies and intelligent electric chairs. And you couldn’t suspend your disbelief over a gas station holdup?"

Nope.

But the reviews and previews for the new season of 24 have me intrigued. Plus, Kim is back, and I can’t wait to see what convoluted plot mechanism they devise to fit her into the story.

I still think a Kim spin-off could be huge. Just put her in shorts and a tight t-shirt and have bad guys chase her through the woods. The show could be shot entirely in slow motion and it would have to be called Run, Kim, Run.

***

I’ve resumed posting classic comic book covers over at The Museum of Arts and Comics, a forum I co-moderate with the fine artist Russ Dickerson. You can check it out here.

***

I’m still working on the novel, too. It’s called The Firecracker Man. The first half of it was written a couple of years ago and I’ve been combing through it to reacquaint myself with the story and the characters.

I had forgotten about one scene that was inspired by an incident from my childhood. Remind me to tell you about the time around age 11 when I was a professional private detective, at least for one day.

Monday, Monday

2:20 a.m. Stumbled out of bed.
3:10 a.m. Arrived at work.
11:00 a.m. Used lunch to set up some things for Pod of Horror #8 (coming Monday!) and hammered out a few details for a collaborative novel with Dave Wilbanks.
1:00 p.m. Took a walk with my brother and Ed the Female Dog.
2:00 p.m. Worked on a novel.
4:30 p.m. Dinner and a tape of Desperate Housewives (I screwed up setting the VCR for The West Wing, dammit!)
5:30 p.m. More work on novel.
6:30 p.m. Head to bed with a book to review.

And so it goes.