Welcome to Vacation and a Bit of Publishing News

I’m on vacation for two weeks beginning today, but the fun started last night with 70 mile-an-hour winds, which knocked down this tree in the back yard.


Fortunately, the tree missed the deck. Unfortunately (this isn’t visible in the photo) the upper end of this chunk of tree is on the power line, making it dangerous to attempt clean up and dragging the power line closer to the ground than anyone wants to see. This morning the power company has many customers without electricity, so, obviously, we aren’t very high on the priority list. The other thing that happened during the windstorm was this:


This big old tree in the front yard was actually cracked by the wind, not by lightning as some who have seen the tree suggested. There was no lightning until much later and we, you know, watched the tree bend and the crack appear, running from the base upward. As the wind gusted, the crack would widen then close, much like an accordion.

No one was hurt. The trees will be removed and life will return to as normal as it gets around here.

As for vacation, the next two weeks will be serious writing time, as I try to make significant inroads on the current novel. I may post my daily word count on my Facebook page as a motivational tool. If I can get motivated enough to do that.

As I hinted below, the first Dead Sheriff book is finally getting close to publication. I know I’ve been posting updates for what seems like years, but now the book is actually in production. The lesson I’ve learned is to stifle my excitement and wait until there’s something substantial to report before hyping a project.

The ebook should appear within weeks, with the trade paperback showing up this fall. The final piece of the puzzle was a new author photograph, which was taken by the immensely talented Heather Mattingly-May.


I’ll post ordering information for The Dead Sheriff: Zombie Damnation as soon as the ebook is available.

Soon...

12 Cats of the Zodiac

See it here.

At The Movies

Here’s my short review of Prometheus: I loved it.

I know, I know. Some science Fiction fans are foaming at the mouth because of scientific inaccuracies and such.

You want to know something? Usually when I see a movie, I want to like it. I’m not a professional film critic; I simply want to be entertained. And with Prometheus I got my money’s worth. Here’s what the movie has going for it:

1) It’s visually stunning. Incredible sets and effects.

2) An engrossing story of the search for mankind’s beginnings.

3) Tremendous acting, especially from Noomi Rapace, Idris Elba and Michael Fassbender.

4) An ending that surprised me.

5) Charlize Theron in tight clothing.

While others are arguing about flight vectors and fusion engines and the like, I’ll be seeing the movie again, and then standing in line for the Blu-Ray.

Where's Neelix?

Ethan Phillips, who played Neelix on Star Trek: Voyager, is starring in this movie tonight on SyFy. I had an interview scheduled with him Thursday to plug the flick.

There I was, ready to go, with all my little research notes, when the producer called to say, “There’s going to be a small delay.”

“What’s the problem?” I said.

‘We, uh, can’t find Ethan.”

So I went about my business and an hour or so later the producer called back to formally cancel the interview. They still couldn’t locate the actor. Neelix was apparently in hiding.

His latest credit is Arachnoquake, so you can’t really blame him. But, man, that spider looks SO real.

(And, yes, I’ll be watching this. I can’t help myself.)

Werepig Redux

I have been informed that my episode of The Funky Werepig from March will be repeated Friday at 9:00 P.M. (Eastern) while Pig Master Gregory Hall is summering in West Virginia.

If spending an hour listening a couple of disturbed adults discuss their love of Mary Lou Retton and unitards (not the only ‘tards on the show, if you can dig it), then listen here.

For the Facebookless

Not much posting lately, mainly because of time. Also, there's a short story that's kicking my ass. And every time I come over here, Google makes me sign in again, even though it used to remember my log-in. I get frustrated, curse Google and go read a Ray Bradbury story.

I post pretty regularly on the Facebook, though. For those who aren't members of that particular time-wasting club, here are some recent items.

There's this:


And the Apology List:



I found this particularly gut-busting:


Oh, and I'm in a relationship and it's not complicated (that's a shout out to those who used to be on Facebook).

The Boy That Bradbury Built

I first encountered Ray Bradbury in middle school. I believe that is the perfect time to meet Bradbury. Any younger and the wonder of his stories would have escaped me. Any older, and my focus would have been on girls and cars and football–the business of growing up. I would have read the words but perhaps missed most of the magic.

Instead, I was the perfect audience for Bradbury: shy, bespectacled, a quiet boy secretly yearning for adventure.

I don’t recall the first Bradbury story I read. However, I cannot forget the first story that had an impact on my young mind. It was “Mars is Heaven”.

A rocket is sent to the red planet to discover what happened to two previous expeditions. Upon landing, the rocket’s crew discovers an idyllic American small town, circa the 1920s, the perfect Bradbury town. The residents of the town are the deceased relatives of the astronauts, all in perfect health and leading an ideal life on the surface of Mars. Overcome with joy, the crew abandons the rocket to reunite with their long-lost loved ones. The only crew member who doesn’t trust what he sees is the captain, who suspects his men are being duped by telepathic creatures.

I had never read a story with that emotional heft (honestly, more heft than I was capable of processing. Still, like most kids who had read a lot by that age, I knew there was more going in in the story than I could see, even if I couldn’t grasp every nuance) and I remember lying awake in my bed for several nights, replaying the tale’s events over and over. I wasn’t sure what had happened or why I couldn’t stop thinking about “Mars is Heaven”.

What I didn’t realize until much later was that Ray Bradbury had changed me, as surely as if he had opened the top of my skull, reached into my brain and rearranged a few things. Because of Bradbury, I asked for a telescope and began searching for that tiny red speck in the sky. I read more Bradbury and discovered the magic and mystery that hid in autumn, of the ghosts and monsters who yearned for a better life just like the rest of us. Because of Bradbury, October became my favorite month and Halloween the most cherished holiday. I was transformed into the boy that Bradbury built.

I’m still that boy, all these years down the road. My life is richer for his works. Anytime I feel that old red planet slipping away from me, I just have to turn to my bookshelf, where the dinosaurs and little ghosts and rocket men are always there to welcome me home.

Pod of Horror #68: Joe R. Lansdale

Pod of Horror is back, and #68 features the legendary Joe R. Lansdale, plus newcomers Jonathan Janz and Ty Schwamberger, as well as the creator and host of The Funky Werepig, Greg Hall. Nanci Kalanta has the news, Jason L. Keene goes to the movies with Moonshine Matinee, and we give away swag in The Tomb of Trivia. Scary Words reviews Southard, Janz, Cato and Schwamberger. The fear is here with Pod of Horror #68, produced and hosted by Mark Justice. Get it now at iTunes or here.

Frustrated Writer

It has become difficult in the past 12 months to carve out a regular writing schedule. In fact, putting two good writing days together in a row is a rarity. Time has become a cherished luxury. Still, I’m pecking away at various things, including projects where the deadlines have passed. One is a short story and another is a novella. I’m not sure a market now exists for either, but they will get finished. I hate that I’m turning into The Guy Who Misses Deadlines. The only answer for now is to turn down projects until I’m caught up.

I’m also revising a big chunk of a horror novel that was abandoned a few years ago. So far, the suckage is less intense than I had feared.

I continue to write the weekly newspaper column. You can always read it here. I’ve changed my mind about reprinting some of the columns on this blog, at least for the time being. I’m in discussions about collecting some of them into book form for the holidays. If that doesn’t pan out, I’ll get back to posting some older columns here.

Book Update

In preparation for the release of Dead Earth: Sanctuary later this year (I hope), the e-book version of the first book in the series, Dead Earth: The Green Dawn is now free. Get the details here.

***

It seems that we finally have an official release date–or dates–for the first volume of The Dead Sheriff. Evileye Books has worked out their production snafus, and now plan to release the e-book in July and the trade paperback in October. It will be good to finally see this one in print.

Mailbag

(Originally published in The Ashland Beacon on 3-21-12)

There’s no room for a preamble. I’m here to serve and that means doling out well-researched answers to your vital questions, stat (note: we don’t actually have a budget for research. Maybe next year).

DrStrange1963 writes: “Dear Mark, Oreos or Hydrox?”

What? Are you kidding me? I type my fingers to the bone and this is the thanks I get? Ridiculous questions that are so obviously simple that Jessica Simpson could answer them.

On the other hand, you may be serious, so I will treat this topic seriously.

Oreos, ya big lummox! Is there a single person on the planet that wouldn’t pick the classic Oreo, with its perfect combination of delicious cookie and smooth and sweet cream over the cardboard and caulking of a Hydrox?

(By the way, no offense intended to those who love Hydrox–either of you. It’s just that you’re damaged in a deep and profound way, and should seek immediate counseling.)

If you’re still not convinced that Oreo is the superior cookie, then perhaps this will help. Do you know the origin of the Oreo, which debuted 100 years ago this very month? The creator of the cookie, a destitute baker named Hiram Oreo dozed off in his kitchen, exhausted from worrying about his money woes. While he slept, beautiful angels in bakers’ hats flew in through the window and whipped up the first batch of the world’s favorite cookie. Hiram awoke the next morning to find his kitchen filled with the baked goodness of the Greatest Cookie on Planet Earth. Hiram realized his fortune was about to change. He became rich, married a Kardashian, divorced a Kardashian and brought happiness to children of all ages with that cookie the angels made.

Now, let’s examine the beginnings of the Hydrox. In the early 20^th Century, an evil alien overlord arrived secretly on Earth from the planet Hydroxia 7. His goal: to take over the planet by brainwashing every man, woman and child with a tasty confection he sold under the name Hydrox. The cookies contained a potent devil’s brew of vicious chemicals designed to sap strength and destroy free will. The evil alien’s dastardly plan would have worked, if not for one small matter.

The cookies tasted worse than doggy doo-doo.

Apparently, the taste buds of the evil alien were hooked up backwards, compared to those of a human, leading to a cookie that is pictured in the dictionary next to the word “horrendous”.

So you tell me: Sweet angels or evil aliens. Which would you choose?

You may be wondering how I knew that Hydrox were less tasty than doggy doo-doo. It’s simple. When I was a kid, I gave a Hydrox to my dog. He spat it out and growled at me. Remember, this was a creature that spent much of the day licking his butt. I rest my case.

Our next email comes from BeckyShecky of Ironton, who says, “Dear Mark, I have jury duty in a few weeks. Have you ever served? What tips can you give me?”

Becky, I have served jury duty three separate times in my life, thus proving that I am a good citizen. And I believe I can offer a couple of tips that just might help you out.

Yes, it’s time for another Absolutely True Story from my exciting life.

One of the times I served on a jury, I was asked by the other jurors to be jury foreman (translation: none of the rest of them wanted to be bothered with it). The details of the case we heard aren’t important. I was fascinated to learn that one of the jurors–a senior citizen–slept through almost all of the testimony and no one–NO ONE–seemed to notice. And he snored!

Anyway, we heard one full day of testimony. The next morning, the two attorneys made their closing statements and the jury was ushered to our little room to deliberate. To get some idea of where we stood, I immediately asked for a vote. It was unanimous. It was 10:30 in the morning and we were through. Since the courthouse was located across the street from my office, my employer expected me back at work as soon as the trial finished. I had a lot of work piling up, so I was ready to leave. I thanked the jury and stood to summon the bailiff.

One of my fellow jurors–in fact, the older gentleman who had fallen asleep and snored in court–placed his hand on my arm and said, “Mark, if we stay here till noon, they have to feed us lunch, and today is meat loaf day.”

The other jurors nodded in agreement. We were staying for lunch. We sat in that little room for 90 minutes, making small talk and pretending we didn’t have a verdict. At noon we put in our lunch order. At one, I told the bailiff we had a verdict. The meat loaf was pretty good.

BeckyShecky, here are my two tips for your own jury duty: It’s okay to sleep in court. And if you’re still there at noon, they have to feed you. Good luck.

Look! An actual, real, not-made-up email from a living, breathing reader of the Freakin’ Beacon: Brent Ramey writes: Enjoyed reading your article. I too spent many a Saturday late night watching Chiller. It would be great to have a list of titles that ran on Chiller from the beginning to end. I am 50 years old now, however if I ever come across a 1950's or 60's Sci fi. I usually end up watching it. I have often thought is there somewhere in the world right now that is experiencing what our 50's and 60's were like. Technology though probably has ruined that chance!

Maybe they’re stuck in the 50s in Outer Mongolia. Back here at home, we have to create our own Chiller experience, with DVDs, popcorn and dressing up in scary makeup to crack jokes about the movies. At least that was my plan. My wife says I don’t need the makeup.

And one more, this time from Barry Grimm: I really enjoy your funny stories each week as I read the Beacon. Keep them coming.

Thank YOU, Barry. You keep reading and I’ll keep lying. Er, I mean, reporting the facts in a fair and unbalanced manner.

***

Mark Justice hosts The Breakfast Club weekdays on 105.7 WLGC. His email address is He really hates Hydrox.

Get Fit With Mr. Benefitness

Punch, punch, kick. If only everything were so simple.

Dude Drinks a Bottle of Mrs. Buttersworth

'Nuff Said.

Bonehead(s) of the Day

Wedding Fun: Mothers-In-Law Brawl

A wedding in Danvers, Massachusetts ended in a brawl with the groom’s mother being arrested.

The chaos started after the groom’s two younger brothers were denied booze at the bar

The 25-year-old brother punched a wall and began tearing apart the coatroom after someone from the bride’s side of the family told him to calm down.

When the bride’s brother approached, the groom punched him and the pair were soon tussling on the floor.

Then the groom’s mom attacked the bride’s mom. The groom's mom was arrested.

Full Story.

Bonehead of the Day

The Relationship May Be Over When He Chokes Her For Eating His Cannolis

A man in Florida attacked his girlfriend because she ate all of the cannolis.

He was so angry over the cannolis he flipped over a coffee table in the living room.

The girlfriend threw his dinner in the trash because she was mad at him. He then threw the food at her, hitting her in the shoulder and the face.

He pushed her to the ground, got on top of her and started choking her.

She was able to get away and call 911… he was arrested.

Full Story.

Argillite Secret Service: Operation Rome

(Originally published in the Ashland (KY) Beacon on April 4, 2012)

As regular readers of The Freakin’ Beacon know, at one time in my life I was employed by a top secret government agency.

That’s right. I was a Double-Naught Spy for the Argillite Secret Service, better known as the A.S.S.

While I can’t reveal details of my top secret assignments, even after all these years, I can tell you that one time I was preparing to embark on a mission to Italy. I had a few hours before my flight, so I decided to get a haircut.

I used a barber a few miles from the A.S.S. headquarters. The guy was sort of unpleasant and a know-it-all and he wasn’t too good at his job. But he was cheap. That was important on a government salary.

I got to Smiley’s Barber Shop just before closing, and I was the only customer.

“How you doing, Smiley?” I said.

“Lousy,” Smiley said. “What do ya need?”

“Uh, a haircut.”

Smiley sighed and gestured to his empty chair. I sat down.

“What’s new?” Smiley said, going into Conversation Auto-Pilot.

“Going on a trip.” I said.

“Where to?”

“Rome.”

“Rome? That’s a terrible city! It’s crowded and dirty and full of mafia types. How ya gettin’ there?”

“TWA,” I said.

“TWA? Their planes are old, the flight attendants are ugly and their food is awful! So where ya stayin’?”

“The International Marriott downtown,” I said.

“That dump? Are ya kiddin’ me? The rooms are tiny, the service is terrible and their food is the worst in town! So what are you going to do there?”

I couldn’t reveal the details of my mission, so I said,” Some boring work stuff. Then I’m going to tour the Vatican and try to see the Pope.”

Smiley barked out a laugh. “Fat chance! You and a million other people tryin’ to see him. He’ll look like an ant! Lots of luck, pal.”

He was still laughing as I left the barber shop.

I went to Rome, successfully completed my mission and even had time for a bit of sightseeing. I returned home a few weeks later, just in time for another haircut.

Smiley’s was again empty when I arrived.

“Look who’s back. The big-time world traveler,” Smiley said as I entered.

I settled in the chair and prepared for his volley of questions.

“So, how was the trip to Rome?” he said as he began the haircut.

“Fine,” I said.

“Right,” Smiley said with a chuckle. “So how bad was TWA? I bet it was the worst flight of your life.”

“Nope,” I said. “The plane was brand new. It was full, so they bumped me up to first class, where I had a gorgeous 25-year-old flight attendant and she served me some of the best food and wine I’ve ever had.”

In the mirror I saw Smiley frown. “Well, I bet the hotel was as bad as I said.”

“Sorry. They had just finished a 30 million dollar renovation. It’s now the finest hotel in Rome. The only problem was they were overbooked and ended up giving me the penthouse suite at no charge.”

Smiley was silent for a few seconds. The only sound was the metallic clicking of his scissors. Finally, he said, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“That’s a funny story,” I said. “I booked a tour of the Vatican. As I was strolling around admiring the beautiful architecture and the magnificent artwork, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to see one of the Swiss Guard. He said, ‘Pardon me, sir, but the Pope sometimes likes to meet a random tourist. Would you mind meeting him?’ I told him it would be my pleasure. He took me to a small, private room and asked me to wait there for a few minutes. He closed the door and I stood patiently. After a few minutes there was a knock at the door and in walked the Pope.”

Smiley stopped cutting my hair. In the mirror I saw his mouth hanging open in surprise.

“You got to meet the Pope?” he whispered.

“Yep,” I said.

“You. Some nobody from Argillite got to meet the biggest religious leader in the whole world.”

“That’s right.”

“So what happened??”

“Not much,” I said. “He shook my hand and asked me a question.”

“What question?” Smiley said. “What did the Pope ask you?”

“He said, ‘Where did you get that terrible haircut?’”

Mark Justice hosts The Breakfast Club weekdays on 105.7 WLGC. He no longer has his high security clearance, so don’t bother asking him about President Obama’s birth certificate.

Bonehead(s) of the Day

Drunk Grandparents Tow Kid in Car Behind SUV

A grandmother and grandfather in Sarasota, Florida were arrested for being drunk and towing their granddaughter in a toy plastic car from behind their SUV.

A cop spotted the SUV pulling a small plastic Hot Wheels car with the 7-year-old girl inside. The toy car was connected to the SUV with dog leashes tied to the trailer hitch.

The vehicle was traveling about five to 10 miles per hour, and a woman was riding in the rear with the hatch open, cheering the child on.

The grandfather was driving and was drunk… the grandmother was also wasted. Both were arrested on several charges.

The father was called to the scene and was very upset saying to his mom: "Are you f---ing stupid? You should know better!"

I think we can all agree that she is "f---ing stupid".

Starting Tomorrow

I'm going to begin a series of reprints of the humor column I do for a local paper. You have been warned.

Even Bigger Bonehead of the Day

Helpful tip: Don't put your explosive meth lab in your pants:

Bonehead of the Day

ELEMENTARY STUDENT URINATES ON COMPUTER CART... LESSON LEARNED: PEE MORE POWERFUL THAN MACBOOKS

UPPER ALLEN TOWNSHIP, Pa. -

An 11-year-old boy is accused of destroying thousands of dollars worth of computers by urinating on them.

On Wednesday, Upper Allen Township police said they were notified that a student at Upper Allen Elementary School urinated on a computer cart in a hallway at the school.

The cart contained MacBook computers worth more than $36,000, police said. The computers were damaged beyond repair, they said.

The boy faces charges of criminal mischief and institutional vandalism, police said.

(WGAL.com)

What Do you Call A Teenager Falling Into A Sink Hole?

If you said "A good start", you should be ashamed of yourself. I'm expecting my own shame to kick in any minute.

The Guilty Post

I realized that there has only been one post this month, so here’s a very brief update.

A couple of weeks ago, Dave Wilbanks and I signed off on the edits for Dead Earth: Sanctuary. It’s done and waiting on its slot in the Permuted Press publishing pipeline. When we have a publication date, I’ll let you know. 

Here's a new review of Looking at the World with Broken Glass in My Eye.


I have other projects in the work, though nothing is far enough along to announce.

To everyone’s surprise, my weekly humor column continues to appear in a local newspaper. You can read it online. I’ve had a promotion to page 2.


Finally, another Pod of Horror is in the works. I should have more information in about a week. PoH is something I love and the thing I have the least time to produce.

P.S. I HATE the new Blogger interface. The need to “improve” things until they are nearly unusable is an endless source of frustration. For example, see the large space after the book review link? It doesn't appear in the posting window and I have no idea how to fix it. If you have to contact tech support to type a few lines, the system is fucked.

New Review

My collection Looking at the World with Broken Glass in My Eye gets the thumbs-up from Gravedigger's Local 16.

You can read the review here and buy the book here.

Funkin' the Pig

I’ll be interviewed tonight on The Funky Werepig, the Internet radio show hosted by that wascally wastrel, Greg Hall. We’re likely to talk comics, Marie Osmond and horror. In fact, Marie’s plastic surgery may qualify as horror.

We’ll also talk about my books. There will be an update on The Dead Sheriff.

There’s a chat room, so feel free to join in.

The show is at 9:00 PM EST and can be found here.

Groovy Review

Here's a new review of my collection Looking at the World with Broken Glass in My Eye. If you’re so inclined, you can order the book by clicking on the title.

***

I need to plug one of my favorite sites, Diversions of the Groovy Kind, where the Groovy Agent keeps alive my favorite era of comics. Go on over there and browse the site. You’re bound to find something you like. I’ve personally wasted many hours reading his posts. Thanks, Groove!

Columns and Comics

While it’s still up, here the link to the current edition of the Ashland Beacon. My weekly column is on page 9, and it’s sort of about Chiller Theater, the monster movie showcase that ruled the Saturday night’s of my youth.

Also, I have a new column up at Horror World. You can read it here.

Our editor on Dead Earth: Sanctuary has returned the first round of suggestions on the novel. I’ll be going over those this week.

I’ve had an issue this week with my eyes which requires medication. It’s interfered with my reading. When I can read, I’ve been perusing graphic novels, a mixture of new and old stuff.

The old is mostly made up of my favorite era in comics: 1970s Marvel. It was a time where some incredible work was produced with apparently very little editorial supervision. That’s very much the opposite of how the big two seem to operate these days, where nearly every story beat seems to be planned out by executive committee. Both periods produced some real dreck, but the current era seems to be more craptacular. Of course, I’m old. So take this for what it’s worth.

Reboot/restarting an entire line of comics (as DC did last year, and Marvel is rumored to be doing) seems like such a cop out. I can’t argue with DC’s great success with their retooling of their books, yet rather than say “We’re in a rut. We have no good Superman stories left to tell”, why not find creators who are excited to take a shot at those iconic characters? You should never run out of good stories. Find better writers. Turn them loose. Tell your editors to take the broomsticks out of their collective ass, and have some fun again.

Marvel Firsts: The 1970s.

I haven’t posted in a while and I thought a brief Reading/Watching update was in order.

Every comic book fan has his or her favorite era. For me, it’s the comics–particularly Marvel Comics–of the early-to-mid 1970s. It was an important time for Marvel. For a couple of reasons, they were suddenly able to expand their line and they did so with gusto, producing a wave of new titles. Some would be classics. Others noble failures and some outright bad stuff.

A lot of the good stuff is represented in the trade paperback Marvel Firsts: The 1970s. It’s the first of three volumes covering the new characters that debuted from Marvel during the first half of the decade.

Some of the firsts reprinted in the books include Ghost Rider, The Defenders, Tomb of Dracula, Hero for Hire, Gunhawks and Monster of Frankenstein. I was surprised to find of trio of stories I had never read, including the origin of Outlaw Kid, the first appearance of WWII title Combat Kelly and the Deadly Dozen and Shanna the She-Devil (which suffered from horrible writing).

Marvel has also published a volume devoted to the 60s and the introductions of their big guns. I have it ordered and I’ll let you know what I think about it when it arrives.

***

A quick recap of recent TV viewing:

I’m enjoying Alcatraz. The set-up has been good and the actors are appealing, particularly Jorge Garcia. I knew going in that the series would be the returned-convict-of-the-week. I can live with that as long as producers keep the central mystery interesting. Still, my patience isn’t limitless and I hope for some answers sooner rather than later.

I’m also enjoying The River. I’m pleasantly surprised that a network horror show can conjure up some genuine chills and scary imagery. I don’t know if the journey will prove to be ultimately satisfying, but the individual episodes have been a hoot, as we say back home.

Once Upon A Time continues to entertain, and we really like Smash, to my astonishment. Great writing and acting. It’s sort of like Glee for grownups.

The Argillite Secret Service

The truth is revealed about my mysterious past in my latest column for the Ashland Beacon. You can download the paper here.

Creepiest Tree In Town--A Week Later

And I think it's moved.

The Latest Column

I had to give the badge a rest this week. It’s in the shop for a good shining.

This week’s column differs from most of my others in that every word of it is absolutely true.

It’s a little peek into my sordid radio past, and you’ll find it here on page 9.

Don't Stand Too Close...

While taking a walk yesterday, I came across the creepiest tree in town. Sure, it looks pretty harmless in the sunshine, but at night it yanks its roots from the ground and goes looking for kids who sneak out of their houses. You can just tell that's it's very hungry...

Pod of Horror #67

What? They’re back already? Pod of Horror #67 features horror writer James A. Moore, the author of Smile No More and The Subject Seven novels. Kelly Laymon discuss the legacy of her father, Richard Laymon and the long road to publication for In Laymon’s Terms. Jason L. Keene returns with a laugh packed installment of our film feature Moonshine Matinee, Nanci has all the news, and humiliation and belittlement for our host in The Call of Kalanta. The stack of prizes gets bigger in The Tomb of Trivia. And we review new books from Dean Koontz and Brett McBean. Pod of Horror is produced and hosted by Mark Justice. Listen to it here.

For Your Litter Box Lining Pleasure

What do The Possum Ranch and Sherlock Holmes have in common? They're both in my new column in the Ashland Beacon.

2012 Writing

How was your weekend? Mine was fine, thank you.

We watched some movies, took care of family stuff and other odds and ends. I wrote my newspaper column (for what it’s worth, I think it’s one of my best; you can decide for yourself around the first of the month).

On the fiction writing front, I have a rough idea of what I’m going to be working on for the rest of the year. Of course, a lot of this is subject to change, as the last couple of years have taught me.

When I finish with the second Dead Sheriff book, I have to write a couple of short stories that I’ve promised to editors.

By mid-February I hope to finally start on a horror novel called Reaper Road.

Up next is a revision of a novel I wrote a couple of years ago. I parked it in a drawer because of a few issues that confounded me. A recent re-reading of the manuscript showed me a way to fix the problems that seemed insurmountable earlier. This horror novel doesn’t yet have a title.

Following that I'll finish a novella I pledged to a publisher about two years ago. The window may have closed with that particular house, or maybe not. Regardless, I love the story and I’m confident I can find a home for it.

If all goes as planned, this Fall I will start on a humorous mystery novel, something I’ve wanted to write for a long time.

Don’t worry, horror fans. I will never abandon the field. I have many more horror novels I want to write.

I also have two or three more novellas and at least two more stories that have been bubbling under the surface for a long time. I’d like to write them down in the near future.

There you go. Lofty goals, as always. Let’s hope the year is as productive as I’ve planned. If the Mayans are right, then I’ll go out typing. If they’re wrong, then maybe 2013 will finally be the year I get around to writing my haunted amusement park novel.

Interview

Over at the Inspiration Forum, Fiona McVie has posted a new interview with me, including a free short story. Check it out here.

Later this weekend I'll post an writing update and share some of my goals for 2012.

Zombie Pontificating

I have an essay in a new ebook called Zombie Writing, edited by Armand Rosamilia. My contribution describes the writing of Deadneck Hootenanny. The ebook is free for a couple of days. You can order it here.

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I also have a new column in a local paper, The Ashland Beacon. It's supposed to be funny, so if you want to laugh while reading it, I won't be offended. Heck, even a mild chuckle is fine. You can read it by clicking on the paper's name a couple of sentences above. My column in on page 9.

Mug Shot of the Year

A 53-year-old guy from Blue Island, IL was picked up for driving under the influence… this is the mug shot that followed.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today’s my father’s birthday. He would have been 79.

He’s been gone a while , almost 26 years. Even now, my feelings about him are complicated. I loved him and I know he loved me, but he could be a difficult man to be around. To his friends, he was a happy, funny guy, quick with a joke or a sarcastic comment. In private he was often miserable. I’m not sure why–he never talked about it to me. But I suspect it had a lot to do with his own childhood.

He was never abusive to me, at least not physically. When he was angry, though, his words could cut deep and his unhappiness was often radioactive, spreading throughout the house.

Most of the time I can focus on my memories of the positive side of our relationship, and that’s what I want to do today. My father passed along a great sense of humor and a love of books. He supported my early attempts to write fiction, and if he would have lived to see me published, I’d like to think he would be proud.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Onion Rings and Me

I have a new column today in the Ashland Beacon, a local paper.

If you don't reside in the Ashland, KY area (or once lived here) your enjoyment of the column may be slightly diminished. But I think it's pretty funny anyway, and I do get to remember one of my favorite restaurants and make fun of Celine Dion, so it's a win for me.

You can read the paper online. I'm on page 9 this week.

Looking at the World on My Kindle

Amazon has just listed the Kindle version of Looking at the World With Broken Glass in My Eye, for those of you who, like me, usually prefer the ebook (by the way, this is a complete turnaround for me, who always said, “Confound you whippersnappers! I’ll never give up my paper!" That’s worthy of its own blog post sometime).

Over one hundred thousand words of fiction, most of it scary, some of it funny–intentionally so. Two original novellas. And the reprinting of the long-unavailable Deadneck Hootenanny, all for just $3.99.

You can get it here.

And, as always, if you do read the book, I would appreciate a review at Amazon. Your comments on it are welcome here, as well.

Thanks!

It Was An All-American Christmas at Casa de Justice

My New Gig

I'm doing a weekly column in a local paper, The Ashland Beacon. The paper publishes on Wednesday, but it appears the online version is available at least a day earlier. You can read the whole paper right here.

Fair warning: the column is aimed at a local readership, so if you're somewhere else, it may hold zero interest for you. In fact, if you live here, it may hold zero interest for you. All I know is I'm having a great time writing it.

The Best Christmas

Christmas 2011 was always going to be the greatest of my life, simply because my wife was still with me. But it took on ever greater meaning, thanks to an email.

When I’m on vacation, I rarely check my work email, yet for some reason I did on Christmas morning. It was about 8:00 AM, and I hadn’t even had coffee when I got the message from Nevada. A woman wrote the radio station about three hours earlier. Through Facebook, she had been in touch with a school friend whom she hadn’t spoken with in many years. Her friend’s husband had been out of work for months and had just told his family there would be no Christmas. The couple had two kids and had taken in another woman and her infant soon who had no place else to go. The family had no presents and no food. The children also needed clothes.

I read the letter to Norma and told her I didn’t see how we could find clothes and toys on Christmas day.

Her reply was simple. “If there’s a day for miracles to happen,” she said, “it’s today.”

I immediately placed a call to one of our friends, who has three young grandsons.

What I didn’t know was that she had been up most of the night. Like a lot of people, she has had a rough year, but every time she was in desperate need of help, help arrived. She told me she was hoping trying to figure out a way to payback some of the good fortune she had received.

Then I called. She immediately started putting together clothes and toys, including two nearly new bicycles. Her grandsons gladly donated new toys that they had just received as gifts. Then her sister-in-law pitched in with new clothes and new toys.

Next, I got in touch with another friend, who along with her husband had been feeding the hungry through their church for many years. They quickly put together a week’s worth of food. They showed up with their truck full of food and we loaded the clothes and toys. We caravanned to the home, which was about fifteen minutes away. We had a little trouble finding it–some knocking on doors was required, but we eventually located the family. I knocked on their trailer door several times before anybody answered. When they did, I told them Santa had asked us to make a delivery. We began carrying boxes into their home while the family alternated between stunned silence and tears.

Since we don’t have kids, Norma and I had little to contribute, except for some cash. But we were able to find the right people to help this family have a Christmas.

Driving home, we were both a little overwhelmed by what had just happened. Christmas hadn’t felt this good in many years. This was the second time I’ve been able to take part in helping a family that was down on their luck. I hope it won’t be the last.

Happy Naked Jennifer Aniston Day

Welcome to 2012 and my blatant attempt to get more hits for this blog. If it works, I will make Ms. Aniston the official mascot of the Department of Justice.

Face it, everything becomes more interesting when viewed through the prism of Jen.

Take politics, for instance. Does Newt Gingrich have bigger boobs than Jennifer Aniston? Who wouldn’t tune in to see how that debate played out?

Or sports. Who would you rather see in a Tim Tebow jersey–Tebow or Jen? ‘Nuff said.

On the cultural side, some people are worried about a Mayan prophecy that claims the world will end in 2012. I ask you this: would an ancient human-sacrificing society predict an Armageddon that would also destroy Jen??? Okay, bad example.

Let me concentrate on the practical. When you surf to this page, would you rather view a photo of Jen or one of me?

I rest my case.

The Last Blog Of The Year

Adios, 2011, you ball-breaking beeotch. And good riddance.

Ah. Feels good to get that out of my system.

This year has not been the best I've ever had. Most everybody who cares to know why already does, so there’s little need to belabor the point.

I’m planning on a better 2012. Healthier, happier and more productive. I have several writing projects lined up that I’m excited about.

I’m starting a new weekly column in a local paper. I’ll link to when the first one appears.

Two new books should be out in the new year, and a few short stories, if I get them finished.

I realize January 1 is just an arbitrary date, but I’m in need of a fresh start and new beginning. I plan to embrace it. I hope you do the same.

Enjoy the new year. Hold your loved ones close and tell them how much you care about them. Don’t put off your dreams for another minute.

Goodnight, world! Sweet dreams.

Pod of Horror #66

Pod of Horror is back to wrap up 2011 and prepare for Mayan destruction in 2012.

On PoH #66, Cullen Bunn discusses his award-winning series The Sixth Gun and his new young adult horror novel Crooked Hills.

In Scary Words, we review the second series of Maelstrom books from Thunderstorm Books and Brian Keene.

We have a winner in The Tomb of Trivia. Nanci delivers all the news that fits, and we announce the return of a member of the PoH family.

Get it at iTunes or download it here. Pod of Horror is hosted and produced by Mark Justice. And visit our Facebook page.

Free E-Book. But Hurry!

Just got this from Graveside Tales:

First 100 people, who send their name and preferred digital format to orders@gravesidebooks.com will receive. Looking At The World With Broken Glass In My Eye by Mark Justice.

Merry Christmas!

This is just a quick note to wish you happiness during the holiday season, whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs.

As I've said here and elsewhere, I had a massive realignment of priorities this year. Life's everyday aggravations, once the source of quite a bit of agony, now seem very insignificant.

I hope you get to spend time with those who are most important to you. I know I will.

That's all, folks!

Do You Know How Many Plates of Pancakes We Went Through To Get This Shot?

Free!

Here’s a cool bit of news.

As a holiday gift to you, Permuted Press is offering the e-book of Dead Earth: The Green Dawn for free. You can download it for Kindle, Nook, iPad and iPhone and ePub. Here’s the link. Scroll to the bottom of the page to find our little book.

I had a great time writing this with Dave Wilbanks, and I’m happy it’s now available again to anyone who would like to read it.

By the way, look for the third book in the series, Dead Earth: Sanctuary, sometime in 2012 from Permuted Press. The manuscript has gone through the stringent Mark & Dave revision process and is in the hands of the editor.



Thanks to everyone who has picked up a copy of my collection Looking at the World With Broken Glass in My Eye. I appreciate the feedback.

Speaking of feedback, if you would leave a brief review at Amazon, I'd be grateful.


I still don’t have a firm release date for The Dead Sheriff, but Evileye Books assures me it will be sometime in Spring of 2012. Work proceeds on the sequel.

The Girl With The Tramp Stamp Tattoo

The Girl With The Tramp Stamp Tattoo from Emma Roberts

New Column At Horror World

My new Horror World column--titled "The Three Scariest Words"--is up now. You can read it here.

First Trailer for The Three Stooges

Pre-Who

Here's a mini-episode leading into this year's Doctor Who Christmas special.

The Wussification Of MEN Continues: Dancing With An iPod In Public

Slow Writing Week, Pulp Fiction, Balls

It's been a crazy week, with very little writing and little to report.

But wait! Donovan Pike and the City of the Gods has been updated at Pulp Nocturne. Go there now and read it.

This week has been heavy with wacky videos here at the ol' DOJ. That's partly because I have been updating the blog so infrequently and wanted to offer new content.

Also, I believe the world could use more wackiness. Or, hot chicks talking about how much they hate balls:

Katherine Heigl Hates Balls from Katherine Heigl

25 Signs You Spend Too Much Time on the Internet

1. Whenever you find a penny or dollar bill, you hear that “Congratulations! You’ve won!” voice inside your head.

2. The prospect of any phone conversation provokes an unreasonable level of anxiety.

3. You just steal sh*t when you’re bored.

4. You know where your high school best friend’s former roommate’s gorgeous ex-girlfriend goes for the summers (Nantucket. Her cousin Becky is kind of terrible though, you can tell).

5. You find the concept of paying for pornography endearing.

6. You’ve had multiple conversations with friends speculating about the sexuality of someone you haven’t seen since you were six.

7. You’ve forgotten that watching TV on the TV used to be, like, a thing.

8. You have a legit panic attack when you can’t reconnect to your WiFi network.

9. You’ve seen all of “Felicity” despite never enjoying a single episode.

10. You hate Jeff Dunham way more than he even deserves.

11. Going to the movies counts as having a “break from technology”.

12. The phrase “follow me” does not even remotely invoke thoughts of physical movement.

13. You send emotionally complex, romantically tinged messages by “Like”-ing sh-- on Facebook.

14. You know far less about the Mayor of your city than you do about the Mayor of your local Panera Bread on FourSquare.

15. You think a beautiful sunset lighting up the New York skyline on a November evening just looks like a crappy desktop background.

16. You treat people who say they don’t have Facebook as if they have a horrible illness that you have to do your best to appear optimistic about.

17. You haven’t been on a date in months, but you do have a really messy, emotional “friends with benefits” situation going on in SecondLife.

18. The words “LiveJournal” or “Xanga” bring up far more nostalgia than any old home movie could.

19. Your reading responses for classes often just say: “TLDNR”.

20. You’ve gotten past the tenth page of comments on the YouTube video of that little British girl rapping with Nicki Minaj on Ellen.

21. You can name more celebrities with leaked nude photos than American presidents.

22. The last family argument you had was over Gchat.

23. You haven’t read a whole book in a year, but you have read the entire Wikipedia pages for “Sleep”, “Jon Voight”, and “Yo momma (maternal insult)” today.

24. Your day is completely made when you get a “what up my brother!!” tweet back from @mark_mcgrath from Sugar Ray.

25. You know what (insert 90s rapper/or one-hit wonder/Da Brat) is up to these days.