Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Morning Bends

What a week! It was filled with accomplishments of herculean proportions. Let me list them for you now.

1) Sleeping at least 11 hours a night.

2) Eating at least 13 hours a day.

Now I have to prepare myself to go back to work tomorrow. This is rougher than it sounds. After a week off, my body has adjusted to my new 11/13 schedule listed above, so the transition to waking up at a time I like to call The Middle Of the &$#%ing Night and having to actually use my brain can be painful. To help you understand my plight,  the closest analogy I can make is that of a diver returning to the surface so quickly that she or he develops the bends.

I get the Morning Bends. This is like the regular bends, except that instead of nitrogen forming in my blood (which, in my case is difficult, since my blood in currently 90% gravy), my will to live is replaced with a will to whine and an inability to do simple arithmetic or make coherent words (Note: the inability to do math thing has a tendency to last 365 days). Going through a grueling work day with the morning bends is a hardship akin to sitting for hours on a hard plastic chair in the waiting room of a dentist’s office where the TV is permanently tuned to Fox News or discovering your wife bought Hydrox instead of Oreos.

There is only one cure for the morning bends, and that is the afternoon nap, which I plan to deploy approximately 38 seconds after getting home tomorrow. Fortunately, I have a wife who understands that a man suffering from the morning bends cannot possibly hope to cover his normal daily responsibilities. So for tomorrow she will be on Cleaning the Litter Boxes duty.

And Taking Out the Garbage duty.

And Removing Spiders duty.

Thanks, honey. And try to keep it down, will you?

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