My Cold Dish

On this week’s Smallville, Clark Kent’s dad, played with all the depth of a cigar store Indian by former Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider, took what I hope is a one-way trip to TV heaven.

And I danced the dance of the insanely happy.

This is the completely honest and true story of why I hate John Schneider.

My wife worked for a TV station for about ten years. Part of her job was to travel with a crew to Los Angeles twice a year and work an interview room where CBS would send the stars of their new series and TV movies, so they could be interviewed for local stations in markets all over the country.

Her crew would host reporters from several stations who would get ten or fifteen minutes with the star in her room. So she would spend several hours with each star. Most of them turned out to be nice people. Only one ever brought an entourage (*cough* Whoopi *cough*).

In 1990 comedian Paul Rodriguez was starring in a new show for CBS called Grand Slam. Guess who his co-star was? Oh, you’re way ahead of me.

So after hours of listening to talking heads from a dozen stations ask the same questions (“So, do you miss riding around in the General Lee?”), the day was over.

Rodriguez and Schneider thanked the crew who had worked with them all day, then Schneider, the bad actor and failed singer, grabbed my wife, said, “I just have to do this,” and stuck his tongue in her mouth.

That’s right. My wife was tongue-kissed by Bo Fucking Duke.

The experience left her a little stunned and shocked (at least that’s what she told me, though I can’t imagine having anybody unexpectedly giving you a tonsil bath would be enjoyable. Unless, you know, it was Ashley Judd).

My wife enjoys telling this story over and over and over. Almost as much as she enjoys the one where the 17-year-old cashier at the grocery store who had just carded my wife asked me (who, by the way, is younger) for my Senior Discount Card. Oh, she loves that one.

Anyway, my revenge has been a long time a-comin’. I kept hoping Schneider would show up here, taking a cross country drive or something, when his car gets a flat right in front of my house. When I go out to help, Bo-Bo would say, “Hey, can you give me a hand?”

“Sure, Bo-Bo. I’ll jack up the car. You just lay down there next to it. Heh. Heh.”

Never happened.

But at least his character died on Smallville. He’s off the show.

Have nice life, Ass Face. Enjoy your new job at the Arby’s Drive-Thru.

And with your copious free time, why don't you drop by to see us sometime?

Heh. Heh.